If Only
by Porcelain-Shadow
Summary: “If only it had turned out that way…” He thought, “If only…” AN: Just after AS YOU WERE. Very sad. Made me cry.


If only…

xoxoxoxoxo

"If only it had turned out that way…" He thought, "If only…" AN: Just after AS YOU WERE.

xoxoxoxoxo

"I'm sorry William…" Buffy said, she turned to walk away…

"Y-you can't…" He finally spoke, "You can't leave now… Not after everything…"

She sighed, "Please don't make this hard Spike…"

"Hard!" He yelled, "This is more than hard! This is unbearable! How can you… How DARE you!" He was crying now, the tears slowly running down those beautiful cheeks of his. She itched to wipe those tears away…

"You… You have no idea of how I'm feeling Spike…" She could barely speak…

"Oh, I know! God help me, I've known forever!" He growled, "You never loved me, I know! Did you honestly think I was that stupid? I'm not blind! I…" He looked down, "I just thought maybe… Maybe I could change that… Maybe I could make you see… How much… How much I lo-"

"Please!" She said, cutting him off from those words he longed to tell her again…

He looked up and saw the last thing he expected…

She was crying too…

"You think this isn't hard!" She chocked out, "This is killing me! You really think I want to leave! You think I want to leave what we have!".

"What do we have, Buffy?" He yelled, "Go on, tell me! It isn't love! I know that by now!".

"Yes!" She cried out, then hesitated, "No- I mean… Oh god!" She fell to her knees. "It wasn't supposed to be like this…".

He longed- no ached,- to kneel next to her and calm her, soothe her pain, but he couldn't… Not now…

"What was meant to happen, luv?" He asked quietly… Almost like a whisper… "Were you meant to walk out and move on? Was it meant to be easy?"

"I-"

"And what about me?!" He yelled. "What did you think I would do?! Did you honestly think it would be easy for me-"

"No!" She yelled, "No…" Her voice melted into a whisper… "I… I don't know… I thought maybe it would be easier for you to… to just…"

"What!" He yelled, then tried to calm down, "What, luv?"

"I thought it would be better if you hated me…I thought you'd want to move on… I thought It'd be better for you…"

"What?"

She gave a dry laugh, "You stupid vampire… I didn't want you to be to upset… I didn't want you… To cry… Not again…"

"What… How did you…"

"Dawnie… She told me…"

He clenched his fists… "She promised…"

"No… don't blame her…" She said, "I made her tell me… She seemed upset and wouldn't talk to me… So I made her tell me…"

"Oh… Right…"

"Spike…" She started, "William… I… I just didn't want to hurt you…"

He laughed.

"Didn't want to hurt me?" His laugh was ranging on tears again… "What did you think I would do? Walk off into the night and find another girl in seconds? Jesus, Buffy… It's not that simple…"

"I know…" She whispered, "I know… I… I just… I can't do it any more…"

William finally gave into his heart and took her in his arms… They just sat there for a while… He just let her sob into his chest…

After a while, she backed away and sat on the remains of the bed…

"What do we do now?" He asked.

"I… I don't know…"

"What do you want?"

"I… I want to stay… But I can't-"

"Hush…" He sat next to her and took her in his arms again… "Never say you can't do something… You can do anything if you try…".

"Not this… I'm not supposed to… To lo-" She stopped suddenly…

His spirit lifted, "Buffy, what is it?"

"I… I don't love you Spike… I can't…"

He felt the tears build up in his eyes again… He knew it…

"But… But I want to…" She whispered.

"W-What?" He asked incredulously…

She put her hands on his chest and looked up into his eyes with a look so confused and hurt that he couldn't help but hold her tighter…  
"I want to love you Spike… God, I want to love you so much… But… I can't… I just don't know how anymore…"

"Let me show you…" He pleaded… "Let me love you…" He nuzzled her neck gently…

"Oh God, Spike… I… I don't know…"

"Please… I'll make it so good for you… You'll feel so perfect with me…"

She smiled, "I already do…"

They just stared at each other for a moment before she whispered, "Make love to me William…".

His heart swelled as they melted together in a searing kiss…

Suddenly he woke up and found himself in the ruins that was his crypt…

She's gone… He thought, She's really gone…

He thought back to his dream and tears escaped his beautiful eyes, already red and puffy from crying himself to sleep…

If only it had turned out that way… He thought, If only…

END.

xoxoxoxoxo

Just writing this made me want to cry, so I hope this brought you guys to tears too… I honestly think that Spike's dream should have been a reality… Life would have been so perfect…

Shadow xx

PS Review and tell me your favourite bits! Maybe I'll make a Buffy version!

V 


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